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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 23, 2012 10:30am-11:00am PDT

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nation, tonight is the third and final presidential debate between former governor mitt romney and future former president barack obama. [ laughter ] i'm tivoing it, so nobody tell me whether the moderate or conservate romney kicked the lethargic or energetic obama's ass. love laugh a lot of option there's. -- options there. [ laughter ] of course, these debates may not matter at all. because there's one issue that could invalidate the entire election. >> voter fraud it's a big concern in this case. >> voter fraud allegations. voter fraud? >> stephen: yes, voter fraud. now, i'm not going to bore you with any shocking examples of voter fraud because it is virtually non-existent. [ laughter ] but i say we can't be too careful, folks. anybody voting that i don't personally know is kind of suspicious. [ laughter ] thankfully, there are some heroes out there trying to keep this process pure.
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>> a republican worker is arrested for voter fraud. >> he is a contractor. >> someone working at a business in a local g.o.p. headquarters building spotted a man dumping voter registration form. they found 8 completed forms in the dumpster. >> stephen: so, some voter forms got dumped. that's how the electoral sausage is made, folks. and like with sausage, it's often tainted, and once in a while an (bleep) gets in there. [ laughter ] ground up. [ laughter ] folks, i condemn this man's actions. you destroyed voter registration forms, but only eight? [ laughter ] what's the matter, was the paper stock too heavy? [ laughter ]
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and why didn't you shred them, or bury them, or batter fry them at the state fair? [ laughter ] frankly, i'd have expected better from the albino monk from the da vinci code. [ laughter ] now, of course, the voter watchdog spoilsports at the fec would have you believe that tampering with voter registration is a "federal crime" just because "it is." [ laughter ] but i say, it's all part of the game -- the democrats try to register voters and bus them to polling stations. and the republicans are just playing defense, big d, 'cause that's what wins championships. oh, by the way, some polling places will have linebackers. [ laughter ] so wear a cup. but for any democrats still worried that your voter registration forms may have ended up in the garbage, don't worry, you have a specially
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designated polling place: the dump. [ laughter ] okay? of course, if you can't get to the dump on election day, which remember, this year is on november 32nd. okay? [ laughter ] i believe that's a thrensday, we'll check on that. [ laughter ] you can just write your vote on a piece of legal sized paper. okay? put your vote thron. and then, don't forget to depoz it-6--- deposit it in one of these handy home ballot boxes. so convenient! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] point is, it's your responsibility to have your vote counted on election day. unless you voted for obama in 2008. voting for the same guy twice is a federal crime. [ laughter ] for obama, after the way he has cynically engaged in class warfare.
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>> when governor romney says he has a five-point plan-- governor romney doesn't have a five-point plan, he has a one-point plan. and that plan is to to make sure people at the top play by a different set of rules. >> stephen: oh please, mr. president, everyone plays by the same set of rules, and at the end of the game, the rich flip the board over and yell "i win." [ laughter ] now, luckily, some of america's top ceo's are assuring a romney victory by doing the unthinkable: talking to their employees. >> david siegel is the owner of the largest privately held timeshare company in the world, a billionaire. he sent this e-mail to his 7,000 employees saying, quote, "if any new taxes are levied on me or my company, as our current president plans, i will have no choice but to reduce the size of this company. this means fewer jobs, less benefits and certainly less opportunity for everyone. >> this is an email from arthur allen, president and ceo of asg software solutions.
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subject: will the us presidental election directly impact your future jobs at asg? i can tell you if the us reelects president obama, our chances of staying independent are are slim to none. if we fail as a nation to make the right choice and we lose our independence as a company, i don't want to hear any complaints regarding the fallout that will most likely come. >> stephen: yeah. if these ceos or their companies have their taxes raised, you employees will lose your jobs. which would be terrible, because then you couldn't work at that great place where your boss threatens you! [ laughter ] now some call this ceo blackmail. but, folks, i just call it efficient use of resources. [ laughter ] why waste hundreds of millions of dollars on super pac ads that may or may not be effective, when you can deliver a message that will really hit home -- "vote for romney or you'll lose your home." [ laughter ] and it's also great for the employees.
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as westgate timeshare ceo david siegel told bloomberg business week, quote, "i've always looked out for their best interests. we're like a family. they're like my children, and i'm the jewish mother telling them to eat their spinach and vote for romney." [ laughter ] exactly. a corporation is like a big family and dave siegel is just a jewish mom telling you "eat your spinach, bubala, or i will finish the job the mohel started. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] and now thanks to an august fec ruling, job creators have an even more powerful tool at their disposal. see, back in 2010, two employees of the united public workers union were allegedly fired after "refusing to comply with a upw request to sign-wave, phone bank, canvass and contribute to democratic congressional candidate colleen hanabusa's campaign."
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that is shocking. it's possible to get fired from a union job. [ laughter ] the case was brought to the fec, who deadlocked 3-3 along party lines which, by fec rules means it isn't legal or illegal, which really means it's legal. same way that if you say (speaking rapidly) "mom-can-i-have-a-cookie?" and she says, "what?" that means yes. [ laughter ] now, the republican commisioners wrote that in a post-citizen's united world "requiring employees to work on independent expenditures for either the union or a super pac is not a violation of the act or commission regulations." which means, a ceo can now require his employees to campaign for the candidate of his choice, and the employee has no choice. it's just another job duty.
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like "have that report on my desk by five." "change the printer toner." "go to ohio and stand behind romney while being black." [ laughter ] now, folks -- [cheers and applause] big fans of being black tonight. [ laughter ] now, folks, i've got a staff of almost 100. most of them are hipster brooklynites who need obamacare, because insurance considers stupid mustaches a pre-existing condition. [ laughter ] but thanks to the fec, they're not humans, they're just company assets that i may legally donate. jay, get your asset out here. jay the intern, everybody. [cheers and applause] good to see you. thanks for coming. all right. great news, jay! i'm now paying you-- >> oh, awesome!
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>> stephen: -- to go to ohio and knock on doors for mitt romney. >> what? i'm voting for obama. >> stephen: shh! no one needs to know who you are voting for. the secret ballot is the bedrock of our liberty. now get in the crate. go on. come on, get moving. get in. all right. don't worry. there you go. don't worry, jay it's second-day air. okay? got some air holes for you there, buddy. okay? [hammering] how are those air holes, jay? >> fine, but there's nothing in here to eat. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] >> stephen: getting hot in
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there? [cheers and applause] save your receipts! thank you for doing this. thank you, fec or whoever employs the fec and made them vote this way. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] p cll[cheers and applause]
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welcome back. thank you very much. nation, it's never been easy for a conservative like me to live in new york. it's the poster child for the liberal agenda, from public transportation to legalized broadway. [ laughter ] and things are only getting worse, thanks to democrat governor andrew cuomo who has announced that he will not approve a raise for state lawmakers until they decriminalize marijuana. [cheers and applause] nation, i've seen stoners try to turn a lot of things into bongs, but never an entire statehouse. [ laughter ] folks, marijuana users move on to harder stuff like weed, grass, ganja, yay-man, optimus prime-leaf, dutch arugula, gromp, zuff, chonk, noop, and mexican lung confetti. [ laughter ] and i made half of those up.
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plus, pot can make you paranoid. yeah, i'm talking to you, [ laughter ] sitting there right now watching the show with your parents. they know-- we all know. [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] folks, puff the magic governor is threatening their raises because he wants to change a quirk in the state's marijuana laws where if you possess pot it's only a ticket. but if it's in public view, say after you've been stopped and frisked by police, then it's a crime. >> he says the aim is to avoid unnecessary charges against thousands of new yorkers who he says are disproportionately black and hispanic youth.
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>> stephen: oh, i see what's happening here. what if we like -- (bleep). no, no, no, no! what if, like, we lived in a world where our police resources were allocated more effectively, and didn't reflect the endemic racism of the system, man? grow up, burnout! [ laughter ] [cheers and applause] clearly, this whole "disproportionate targeting of minorities" boondoggle is just a fig leaf so cuomo can exercise his doobernatorial powers. [ laughter ] there's a perfectly good explanation for why new york police officers are stopping and frisking so many young minorities in poor neighborhoods: because all the white kids in wealthier neighborhoods aren't carrying weed. they've moved on to coke. [ laughter ]
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so maybe instead of turning this state into governor magorium's ganja emporium, cuomo could really help these kids. [ laughter ] he could tell them to put down the pot, and focus on their lives: their crumbling schools, and their community's hostile treatment by the police. and if that upsets them and they need to relax, they can get a prescription for xanax. [ laughter ] because remember: drugs are not the answer, kids-- except when they are. we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] ,x(zá2ef,x-xlah"qó(ç(ç =w
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody. thank you so much. my guest tonight is a professor of materials chemistry from the department of materials science and engineering at mit. i'll ask him what the hell i zpsh i will ask him what that means. [cheers and applause] please welcome, donald sadoway! thank you so much. what is that -- material chemistry and materials science, what do you deal with? like odd strange material? >> no, it's the science of inventing new materials, materials that involve new mixes of atoms and ways that give us properties we haven't had before. >> stephen: can you tell me how to get stic'em off a glass
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that i buy at crate and barrel? because that stuff will survive reentry. >> that's a good example of modern material science at work. >> stephen: do all modern materials piss me off as much as that? >> not intended to. you have to go to the store and get the goo-off stoonchts sure. getting you on the back end. [ laughter ] sir, you've got a dream. tell the people about your dream for a more peaceful and prosperous world, what it all rests on. >> it think a peaceful and prosperous world rests on the invention of modern cost affordable batteries that can restore the grid, enable us to use photo wind to draw electricity from the sun when the sun doesn't shine and allow us to drive cars hundreds of miles on a single car and reduce
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the dependence on petroleum. >> stephen: you created this liquid met call battery? >> that's correct. >> stephen: this say preto type. what is happen something in what is this? it looks like a very unappetizing grilled cheese sandwich. la of laugh. >> it's inedible. >> stephen: really. it's inedible? >> yes. >> stephen: so i can't eat this? >> correct. >> stephen: is it poisonous. >> it's inedible. >> stephen: you won't good so far as to poisonous. >> the metal on the top is magnesium and the body needs magnesium but the metal on the bottom is andimod. we shouldn't ingest that. >> stephen: why do we need battery snrchlz the batteries of
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today are far too expensive or last long enough. you know what happens in your laptop computer and your cell phone. >> stephen: i take those about theories out and i burn them. [ laughter ] you are a brave man to be here because certainly someone at exxon mobile have must have a hit out for you. is this going to replace what we're using now? >> yes. >> stephen: is that a pipe dream? [cheers and applause] how did you get guys started is this solyndra money? is this obama stimulus money that built the battery? >> there was stimulus money. >> stephen: you just admitted it's stimulus money and that all went to solyndra. pick winners and losers. there's a division of department of energy. >> stephen: you are laughing because i busted you. you are totally nailed right now. >> no, there's a division of the department of energy that funds
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basic research, which i think is the legitimate role of government stoonchts speaking of basic research can't i make this thing by putting two nails in a lemon. sthnt a battery? >> it's a battery if the nails are of different composition. if you take two similar nails you won't get any voltage, no. >> stephen: so you built a better lemon? >> no a better battery. [ laughter ] >> stephen: what happens if i take a slice of this and put it in my cocktail? >> ah -- >> stephen: you don't get questions like this at mit, do you? >> no, no. [ laughter ] this is a different line of interrogation. [ laughter ] >> stephen: you say like new batteries can lead to world peace. >> yes. >> stephen: how does a new battery lead to world peace? >> enough batteries everywhere to brick renewable sources of emergency to the grid and use that to power electricity
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vehicles, you gowring to topple dictators, make things very, very different when the price of oil goes back to $20 a barrel. [cheers and applause] >> stephen: well, sir -- [cheers and applause] some are of us heavily invested in oil companies. [ laughter ] >> i'm not saying we're not going to use oil i'm going to make it no longer a strategic commodity. we want a balance, a rich mix of oil, gas, nuclear renewable. it's not one size fits all. we don't want to be fully dependent on one source. >> stephen: you are using students at mirks, t as your work force right now. >> yes? you don't pay them, do you? >> yes, they get a stipulate yend they get their tuition paid for. >> stephen: really? just treat them like interns. what are you doing? if this thing takes off are you a gajillionaire? >> maybe.
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[cheers and applause] >> stephen: now i get my beak wet because i'm marketing this, right? we'll talk after the show. >> absolutely. [ laughter ] >> stephen: thank you so much. professor donald sadoway, the liquid m
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>> stephen: that's it for the report, everybody. good night. [c

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